The E-Commerce Night Before Christmas

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a sound could be heard but the click of my mouse
The stockings were hung by the PC with care
(We don’t have a chimney, we can’t hang them there) 

The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Webkinz danced in their heads
While Jack in his sweatpants, and I in my fleece
Had opened an e-card from his tween-age niece, 

When out of the modem there arose such a clatter
I ran McAfee to see what was the matter
I rebooted Windows, I disabled Flash,
Thought of switching to Linux, but decided that’s rash, 

When all on its own my cursor started to go
And from my top toolbar – it started to snow.
Then what to my wondering eyes should appear
But an animated .gif of eight tiny reindeer 

And a video player that loaded so quick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick
More rapid than YouTube on broadband they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name, 
Now Dasher 2.0! On Dancer.tv! 

I muted my speakers a moment too soon
To find a pop up had popped up – in the room!
Dressed in microfiber from his head to his foot
encased in a stylish, cruelty-free boot
which, in his haste to lace up and be gone,
still bore a tag reading Zappos.com! 

A bundle of toys he had in his pack
(the printer spat receipts so we could send them back)
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk
Recycled the boxes, de-clammed all the shells,
His elves gathered up every Styrofoam peanut
And didn’t miss one – now that’s magic, I mean it! 

Then, dusting the pixels from his soot-free clothes,
He said “for the best in free shipping
It’s Rudy by a nose!”
He leaned over me as I sat in my seat,
and carefully typed in “Control-Alt-Delete”
Then his virtual sleigh and deer vanished from sight,
But the screen read “Mrry Xmas 2 all, & 2 all a gd nght.” 

With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore